Sabotage...It's Everywhere!

I walked out of the shower earlier this week and had a moment of complete shock. Mike had taken the scale away! Now I knew this was coming, we had talked about it. My poor husband has watched me (as many of you have as well) start to lose weight, get happier with myself, feel better...only to see the scale start to go down and then....the self sabotage starts. I rationalize a bad meal or 'bad day', and then I can't or don't recover. I decide the food is more important than I feel. Now I have to say, Mike is not trying to get me to lose weight. This is completely my own journey, but he knows how important it is to me. So, he's trying to help.

So, by taking the scale away we both knew I couldn't look at an actual number. I would just have to continue to workout and make food choices everyday based on how I felt and what the end goal was versus what the number said. I also couldn't get discouraged if it didn't move as fast as I wanted it to! So far so good...but the feeling of helplessness hits me randomly some days. Although its for nothing. I'm actually not helpless. I know how my body feels, it feels MUCH better! So, if I use that as a guide, I will be able to tell how I'm doing. I can tell how my clothes fit and I can tell how I feel. Isn't that all I really need...YEP! I can't thank him enough for taking it away when day when I was away. I have no idea where it is and vowed I won't go looking for it. After all, when I was setting my goals with Faith a few weeks ago, she asked what I wanted to do. I said I just want to be healthier and where the types of clothes I want. I don't really care what I weigh. Sure I have goals, but I don't care if I ever get back down to what I was as a freshman in college. I'm not the same person now that I was then. My body shape isn't the same. I would rather weigh 30 pounds more, be healthier because I'm working out regularly and eating well and still living normally...thus having fun then worried about my exact weight! So, to hell with the scale. It's gone and will only be checked when necessary after I've made the progress I need.

I'm specifically talking about weight above, but sabotage really is everywhere. I can think about 50 times when I've gotten close to what I saw as my own happiness and I sabotaged it. I've watched those I love do it and myself. Why do we do it? Why is happiness so scary? Do we think we don't deserve it? I was talking to Mike and a few friends this weekend about it and realized happiness really isn't celebrated at all. When people act like themselves we often make fun of them if it isn't something we like or would do. When people go after something really important to them, a lot of times we find ways it won't work. WHY? Why do we do that? When we get close to our goal, we do something to ensure that happiness will go away. We create the exact situation we don't want. If we are afraid we are going to be alone, we sabotage what we have in a way that almost ensures that will come to fruition. If we are afraid that if we are happy then everything will be downhill from there and be taken away, then we do things to keep ourselves from that ultimate happiness just to ensure you can't fall. Why?

The media constantly tells us we can't be happy. Just look at a celebrity magazine and you see that not even the skinny celebrities can be happy because the pics and stories in there pick on them. Then we can't wait to read to ensure the people we think have everything are normal and don't really have everything. Then we don't feel so bad about ourselves. The news only tells us about the screwed up things. We don't often hear about the wonderful things people are doing. If we do, its only for a few minutes in a 30 minute broadcast. Now its a little better in a small town like Madison, but its still there. I've decided I'm not listening anymore and I'm going to try not to make judgmental comments anymore. I know I won't be perfect about it as there are things I'm going to disagree with, but I really think I can be better.

Here is to all of us being the people we want to be! I am working towards my own ultimate happiness and whatever your path is, I hope you find it and don't run from it.