To Do Lists...

So, I was noticing that I was dropping some balls...insert lame joke here... I always keep to do lists but I was missing the little pieces, and I was having a really hard time focusing on things during the day. I don't know if I have Spring Fever or what...but I wasn't being as efficient and/or productive as I like to be.

So, I started making baby to do lists for my day that drew from my bigger one. I've also started taking away the distractions in my office. I know I'm not ADD, but I was sure acting like it. Any time a shiny object or interesting person came by I was more than happy to be distracted. I got really sick of it. It all culminated with me realizing that I was no longer investing time in the relationships with the managers I support at work. I realized they were calling me as much for things, I wasn't the resource I once was to them. Why? Because I wasn't bringing the value you they were used to. It didn't mean I wasn't busy or that I wasn't getting things done. I just wasn't on my game and wasn't making them a priority or being as responsive as I can be.

Well no more of that! As much as we think dabbling here or there makes the day easier, I've found it actually makes it slower. And by daabbling here or there, I don't mean in work. I mean in the distractions. I found for awhile that I was inviting those distractions in, in an attempt to make the day go faster so I could get home and enjoy family time. In the end, it just made it longer, and when I left I was more distracted than normal because I was still thinking about work.

I'm trying my darndest to keep this up. Hey...I have a reputation to uphold at the least and at the most, I can help the people I want to help and get something out of it in return. I guess it also made me realize I was creating my own reality. I told myself enough times that I didn't want to do something or that I was bored. Eventually, even though I have PLENTY to do, I was feeling mentally bored. Then came the eating, etc. All my bad habits were showing themselves to me quite easily.

I'll keep working at this and hopefully my reality will keep looking brighter!

When the Past Comes Back

Last weekend I was just enjoying the days, hanging out with my hubby and friends and feeling pretty easy going. Then I met this new person. I noticed as we were talking I was getting more and more irritated than I have in years. Perhaps I was in a bad mood? Nope...what the heck about this interaction was making me crazy? I realized it quickly.

He was almost an exact replica of my ex-husband!

Now I'm not saying my ex is a bad person at all. I actually don't believe that. I do believe that we brought out the worst in each other. The funny thing is I didn't realize how obvious it was until I had been out of it all of this time and then interacted with someone just like him. I couldn't believe interacting with someone could change my behavior so quickly. Now, I've learned how to argue better and interact since then. It was a good learning experience back then. However, I couldn't stop the internal feeling. It was unreal. I now completely understand how those that know and love me hated that we were together. They just couldn't stand watching what it did to me.

Many may ask why did I get married previously if this is what happened to me. I kind of asked myself the same thing after this past weekend, but the answer is simple. You don't notice it! When you care about someone, you are often blinded by what the real problem is. You blame the arguments on silly things or you think that it will get better. Although I'm sad I didn't realize my error sooner as I missed out on amazing time with Mike, I also know I learned a lot about myself. While I will not be friends with this person moving forward (I'm pretty sure he felt the same way about me), I can now interact and know how to keep the discussion from getting heated. All that I learned did also help me not to get worked up about the little things. If you only choose to heatedly discuss the things that are most important to you, you will argue less, you're able to keep the focus on those things that are most important and you don't lose sight if something is a real issue or just a small issue covering up the bigger one.

Now, I will not say I am awesome at this. I am still learning and choosing how I react takes a LOT of self talk. I don't always listen. I can be kind of stubborn sometimes. However, it's better and keeps improving. I'm a passionate person. So, I can't say I'll ever be a master of this skill, but I'm certainly going to try. I try to remember that you can't change how someone talks to you, you can only change how you react to it. Often times the other person doesn't mean to comes across the way they do (I know I have plenty of times where my body language is not communicating what I actually mean). I try really hard to remember that and then react in a way that makes the situation go the way I would prefer it to go. I TRY...that's all I can say.

Thank you to all of my family and friends who let me travel on my own journey in my previous marriage. While it wasn't a wonderful time, it was a great experience. I hope its made me a better person and partner and can't thank you enough for all of your patience.

To my husband, I can't thank him enough for waiting for me. It is not often in life that you get a true second chance. I am so grateful we did!

The Little Things...They're Actually Huge!

So, I was reading a bit more of my latest book, The Happiness Project (love it BTW...) and the author was going on about how all of these philosophy books say that the small things are the most important. Giving what she calls "small proofs of love" is critical.

Based on my previous relationship, I can definitely say the small things matter! They are really the foundation of all of our relationships. If we only do big things a few tiimes it doesn't add up to any major effect. However, if we do little things all the time, those add up. It's one of the reasons I'm not a huge fan of Valentine's Day, Sweetest Day, etc. If we appreciate your significant other and close loved ones every day then those days lose their meaning and need. Doesn't mean its not nice to get something, but I hate when that's the only time caring is shown. Now I'm not perfect! FAR from it! There are many times where I forget to thank someone or forget to call and check on someone if they are going through something important to them. I don't do it on purpose and usually beat myself up about it when I do finally remember, but I guess that's part of what this is all about. Trying to be better about. Doing the little things more often than I did in the past.

Last night I was getting ready for bed and Mike came up to bed. Now for those of you who know my husband well...know that he's ADHD and involved in fifty million things. On top of that, he doesn't need much sleep at all. Maybe 3-4 hours a night and he's good to go. Sometimes he needs more but rarely. And when he's working out, forget about it. I think he could take cat naps and be completely fine. However, the one sacred thing we have is bed time. No matter how fast both of us are running during the day, we always try to go to bed at the same time. This really hit me last night because while I was reading a few pages in my book, the author specifically mentioned that one of her friends suggested she and her husband always go to bed at the same time. She said nothing bad can happen when you do that. You will either talk, get extra sleep or have some fun hubby/wife time :) None of them are bad options. When I read that I smiled because we do that...the going to bed at the same time thing. This is even more important to me because I know Mike doesn't always sleep when he comes to bed. However, we love that time together. So, no matter how wide aware he is, he will come to bed with me about 98% of the time. There are a few times I specifically tell him to stay up because I can visibly see how wired he is and/or his work gets in the way...you get the idea. The point it is, that is one little thing he does for me everyday that sometimes is easily taken for granted. So, last night, I got into bed and thanked him for it. I told him that I know sometimes he will let me fall asleep and then get up and do something but that I appreciate he likes this time we spend together and he's willing to go against his bodies internal clock to spend it with me even if its just for me to fall asleep sometimes. He seemed really appreciative that I thanked him but more so that I noticed. I know he knows I appreciate but hearing out loud is different.

Yesterday my mom also heard I was in a crappy mood. While we may not talk everyday, we've always been there when we needed each other. Yesterday, she sent me this little facebook heart just to cheer me up. As silly as that sounds to some people, it made me smile...because although we don't live by each other anymore, we are still able to touch each other's lives even during the day when we are both busy. Just doing that, let me know she was thinking about me and loved me.

It's just those little things that add up. I truly believe it and am going to try and make sure I continue to do those little things even if they seem silly because in the end they are all that matters :) Have a fantastic day!

Boredom...my worst enemy

Boredom is definitely my worst enemy. I'm not talking the kind of boredom where you don't have anything to do. Rather boredom to me is when my mind is bored. It may be because I don't have anything to do; may be because I'm not interested in what I'm doing; what I'm doing doesn't challenge me; If my mom could weigh in right here, I imagine she would and probably laugh and smile a bit while she was doing it.

I have never been very good at entertaining myself. I am easily bored in a lot of aspects of life and have not been blessed with the ability to self-entertain. (Being serious for a moment...leave all dirty jokes at the door please :)) When I was a child I would look at my mom and ask her what we were doing next where as my brother would start playing imaginative play or whatever game he was interested in at the time. I always have to have something to do. When I don't, I get bored...and then I eat. Growing up it wasn't too bad. I had school and my mom to watch over what I was doing. So, I didn't overeat too bad. However, once I went to college...it all went down hill. I've had moments of light, but its been a pretty difficult battle. Sitting at a desk all day is definitely not the most conduscive to dealing with my desire to eat when I'm bored. It just gives me something to do. Some might say that marrying my hubby was the best thing I could have done. He's ADHD and is always on the go and loves when we are on the go together. It is definitely a wonderful thing. However, being at work or just being at home are landmines for me. I might have something to do, but if I don't want to do it right at that moment, here comes the thoughts of food. They say you should do something else when you think of food. However, if I wanted to do what I was trying to put off, I wouldn't be thinking of food :).

Yes, I know. Most of you will look at this and laugh or roll your eyes and say welcome to being an adult. We have to do lots of things we don't want to do. I am perfectly well aware of that, and I do all the time. However, these thoughts of food just won't go away. I'm working through it and will keep at it. It's just frustrating. I do often feel like a kid who can't control herself, except I'm not a kid and I know better!

I'm working through it and am a person in process for sure. I hope as I continue to workout hard and see my body improve that the bored eating diminishes. So far today has been a good day. I'm proud of what I've accomplished for the day eating wise and got some great work done!

Sabotage...It's Everywhere!

I walked out of the shower earlier this week and had a moment of complete shock. Mike had taken the scale away! Now I knew this was coming, we had talked about it. My poor husband has watched me (as many of you have as well) start to lose weight, get happier with myself, feel better...only to see the scale start to go down and then....the self sabotage starts. I rationalize a bad meal or 'bad day', and then I can't or don't recover. I decide the food is more important than I feel. Now I have to say, Mike is not trying to get me to lose weight. This is completely my own journey, but he knows how important it is to me. So, he's trying to help.

So, by taking the scale away we both knew I couldn't look at an actual number. I would just have to continue to workout and make food choices everyday based on how I felt and what the end goal was versus what the number said. I also couldn't get discouraged if it didn't move as fast as I wanted it to! So far so good...but the feeling of helplessness hits me randomly some days. Although its for nothing. I'm actually not helpless. I know how my body feels, it feels MUCH better! So, if I use that as a guide, I will be able to tell how I'm doing. I can tell how my clothes fit and I can tell how I feel. Isn't that all I really need...YEP! I can't thank him enough for taking it away when day when I was away. I have no idea where it is and vowed I won't go looking for it. After all, when I was setting my goals with Faith a few weeks ago, she asked what I wanted to do. I said I just want to be healthier and where the types of clothes I want. I don't really care what I weigh. Sure I have goals, but I don't care if I ever get back down to what I was as a freshman in college. I'm not the same person now that I was then. My body shape isn't the same. I would rather weigh 30 pounds more, be healthier because I'm working out regularly and eating well and still living normally...thus having fun then worried about my exact weight! So, to hell with the scale. It's gone and will only be checked when necessary after I've made the progress I need.

I'm specifically talking about weight above, but sabotage really is everywhere. I can think about 50 times when I've gotten close to what I saw as my own happiness and I sabotaged it. I've watched those I love do it and myself. Why do we do it? Why is happiness so scary? Do we think we don't deserve it? I was talking to Mike and a few friends this weekend about it and realized happiness really isn't celebrated at all. When people act like themselves we often make fun of them if it isn't something we like or would do. When people go after something really important to them, a lot of times we find ways it won't work. WHY? Why do we do that? When we get close to our goal, we do something to ensure that happiness will go away. We create the exact situation we don't want. If we are afraid we are going to be alone, we sabotage what we have in a way that almost ensures that will come to fruition. If we are afraid that if we are happy then everything will be downhill from there and be taken away, then we do things to keep ourselves from that ultimate happiness just to ensure you can't fall. Why?

The media constantly tells us we can't be happy. Just look at a celebrity magazine and you see that not even the skinny celebrities can be happy because the pics and stories in there pick on them. Then we can't wait to read to ensure the people we think have everything are normal and don't really have everything. Then we don't feel so bad about ourselves. The news only tells us about the screwed up things. We don't often hear about the wonderful things people are doing. If we do, its only for a few minutes in a 30 minute broadcast. Now its a little better in a small town like Madison, but its still there. I've decided I'm not listening anymore and I'm going to try not to make judgmental comments anymore. I know I won't be perfect about it as there are things I'm going to disagree with, but I really think I can be better.

Here is to all of us being the people we want to be! I am working towards my own ultimate happiness and whatever your path is, I hope you find it and don't run from it.

Why on Earth Would you do That?

As I was curled up on my couch the other night reading my latest book, The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin (you can buy at Amazon.com), she talked about a situation where everyone started raining on her parade. She said she was a genuinely happy person at heart but she wanted to work on being happier. Her husband as well as various other friends asked her why would she want to do that? Her husband questioned her on whether she really was happy? Was he missing something? Her friends said well why do you need to be happier?

It hit me. Why do we (and by we I mean some of us, not all of us) rain on others parades so much? I believe its because we hear them from our perspective instead of really listening to what they are saying and what they need. So, if it doesn't fit into what we would want to do; or we're jealous of what they are doing secretly; we don't understand it...pick your reason, we decide to tell them they are crazy or stupid or *insert adjective here*. If we really care about the people why do we do that?

I realized I don't have a lot of that in my life. As I started down my journey the past few months, I've had a lot of support. I can't think of a time where my husband said "Why would you want to do that?" or that a friend didn't say "Go girl!". However, I can think of plenty of times where I have questioned others reasons for doing something when they were explaining something important. I certainly try not to, but it happens.

I've decided I'm going to work on listening to what others need and why they are excited about something instead of trying to find the pitfalls. It doesn't mean I can't ask probing questions to find out why its so important or have a discussion with them, but I need to really listen to what they need not what I think they need. Call it the counselor in me, but I almost always think I can find a solution for them. Sometimes you just can't. Sometimes it's just the journey that helps them even if they do step in a few mines along the way.

I'm so thankful for everyone who continues to support me even when I have a day that doesn't go the greatest! I'm going to make sure you get nothing but thankfulness back from me!

Exhausted and hungry...

So, I've done three double workouts this week and have been eating healthy. I even have been eating lean protein like I'm supposed to, but I'm still super hungry. Grr...I wonder if its mental. I know if I was swamped, I wouldn't even notice. However, I've gotten myself so organized that I have some down time. I used to eat during this time or be too full from a huge lunch or snack. It must be mental. I'm so used to having some type of food in my mouth whenever I'm bored, stressed or whatever mood I decide warrants food that it just has to be in my head. There is no way I can still be hungry.

I started my personal training this week. Faith is amazing! She is such a sweet person yet works you really hard. I really love it. Gotta keep it up!